at this point, i'm in such a negative slump that i don't even know what can get me out of it.
i am totally turned off to finding out anymore about Quito or Ecuador.
i am depressed, lonely, and even more suppressed than in Mississippi.
at this point, i wish i could take a pill and sleep until December, when i'll be able to transfer away from here.
i'm not a negative person. well, sometimes.
study abroad is supposed to be fun.
instead, the only fun i've had is laughing with Sederia at how absolutely ridiculous people have been.
i don't want to go backpacking.
i don't want to go to the top of Mt. Pichincha.
i don't want to do anything.
i just want to be around nicer people.
i want to enjoy my university.
instead, i wish i could curse out most of the students there.
too bad that even if i do, they won't understand me.
the only thing about Quito that i've thoroughly enjoyed so far is my host family.
and i'm so depressed that i don't even care about that part anymore.
i need a ray of light, a ray of hope to open my eyes.
otherwise, i'm stuck here.
lonely, frustrated in all kinds of ways, and suppressed by this place and society that everyone else seems to love and enjoy so much.
fun has become a foreign concept to me.
fun to me now is some constructed form of elation in which people perform activities that are so mundane to me that there's no sense in even thinking about doing them.
this country is beautiful, but i am so turned off by the societal rules that i may as well stay in my room all day and watch telenovelas.
i am tired of being gay and black HERE. no, not tired of being gay and black.
here, where, supposedly, a gay culture doesn't exist. (says someone who was once asked on the side of the street)
here, where most black people are called lazy. and not given a chance.
yeah, i could have fun. experience the city.
but what's the fun in experiencing a city that makes me sad at every corner that i turn and look at.
i'm sick of oppression. suppression. and depression.
now, i truly know where home really is.
i miss my friends so much that it brings me to tears.
i miss the fact that at home, i can smile at somebody on the street, and they will actually smile back.
fuck this.
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4 comments:
FOCUS KEON, remember you are there to learn spanish, only until december, focus, meet people online or something, come on man, u are a survivor :D
aw, keon. i'm sorry you're feeling this way. being away from home sucks, no matter what, but being away from home and going through your current experiences makes it worse. but this is only temporary! like the other person said, try to focus on your education and make this experience YOURS. you can do this. it takes a super strong person to leave home behind and face uncertainty. you've done the hard part already!
call me if you need to. i'm always here for you.
Keon, I am so sorry. I really am. I wish this was a good experience for you. This will be hard, but you can hold on until December. I'm sure that you will dislike it for a while but then learn to at least like it. There were times in Qro that I was miserable. And I don't know that the gay aspect would be any better in Qro. I hope it will all get better for you, sweetheart.
Hi Keon, I'm so sorry you have to go through this, culture shock is a bitch, and its so much worse for you being black AND gay in Latin America. It wasn't until I went to China that I realized what it must feel like to be a racial minority and get stared at and treated different CONSTANTLY.
The way I got through it was I found a cafe I liked (where people couldn't see me/stare at me) and went there everyday for several hours to study or to just relax. I also opened up to the people who treated me normal about how I felt, I don't know if that's an option with your host family or not but if they are nice to you, you should try to be around them as often as you can. Just find some peaceful spot to relax in.
You will get through this, and you will be stronger for it.
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