i was in a world of silent, euphoric peace. forever affected by that which i have lived without for so long.

adjusting...maybe? just a bit

so i think i may finally be adjusting to this place a little bit. and i'm still on the fence on deciding whether i want to stay for two semesters. my host family is still awesome and Quito seems to get more interesting everyday. the only thing is USFQ that i'm still on edge about...but hey, i've made a couple of friends there, so you never know how things may turn out. today marks the third week that i've been here. i feel like it's been nearly a year in actuality.
basically, there hasn't been too much excitement going on. just exploring the city, going to school, and acting stupid as hell, but things are def better than they were. Quito's not so bad after it all.

Wow, this is sad.

at this point, i'm in such a negative slump that i don't even know what can get me out of it.
i am totally turned off to finding out anymore about Quito or Ecuador.
i am depressed, lonely, and even more suppressed than in Mississippi.
at this point, i wish i could take a pill and sleep until December, when i'll be able to transfer away from here.
i'm not a negative person. well, sometimes.
study abroad is supposed to be fun.
instead, the only fun i've had is laughing with Sederia at how absolutely ridiculous people have been.
i don't want to go backpacking.
i don't want to go to the top of Mt. Pichincha.
i don't want to do anything.
i just want to be around nicer people.
i want to enjoy my university.
instead, i wish i could curse out most of the students there.
too bad that even if i do, they won't understand me.
the only thing about Quito that i've thoroughly enjoyed so far is my host family.
and i'm so depressed that i don't even care about that part anymore.
i need a ray of light, a ray of hope to open my eyes.
otherwise, i'm stuck here.
lonely, frustrated in all kinds of ways, and suppressed by this place and society that everyone else seems to love and enjoy so much.
fun has become a foreign concept to me.
fun to me now is some constructed form of elation in which people perform activities that are so mundane to me that there's no sense in even thinking about doing them.
this country is beautiful, but i am so turned off by the societal rules that i may as well stay in my room all day and watch telenovelas.
i am tired of being gay and black HERE. no, not tired of being gay and black.
here, where, supposedly, a gay culture doesn't exist. (says someone who was once asked on the side of the street)
here, where most black people are called lazy. and not given a chance.
yeah, i could have fun. experience the city.
but what's the fun in experiencing a city that makes me sad at every corner that i turn and look at.
i'm sick of oppression. suppression. and depression.
now, i truly know where home really is.
i miss my friends so much that it brings me to tears.

i miss the fact that at home, i can smile at somebody on the street, and they will actually smile back.

fuck this.

poems and shit

letter to you

i stood there.
i endured all the ridicule. i was put in a position of awkward silence.
i was not accepted or wanted. i was despised.
for wanting to be myself.
i only wanted to be myself.
it was all for you.

i never stopped fighting.
i knew what i wanted.
i knew who i wanted to be.
it was all because of you.

where are you?

i wish you were here.
i feel your heartbeat in mine.
i feel you.
i know you are with me. somewhere.
all i have to do is see you.
your archetype is in so many surrounding forms.
just a hint of your archetypal essence sends me to a tearful, soul-drenching emotional breakdown.
because i miss you. because i want you near.
i don't know who you are.
where you are.
what body you may be trapped inside, but i know you are perfect.
i will find you someday.
you will be near.

we will share eternity together.
i will love you and want to spend every passing millisecond with you.
but our love will exist outside reality.
we will live in our world.
our world which is as real as this one.
you'll be real. you will love me.
i will find you someday. i am waiting.

where are you?
where are you? i know you are perfect.
with effortless grace.
you are so close.
i see you in every aspect of my life.
everything i think about.
you are the breath of it.
i open myself to your arrival.
i await that day when i can feel your presence.
shake my core. with as much intensity as before.
i feel you now.
deep within the bowels of my soul.
the gears of the cosmos are churning.
bringing us back together. slowly.
as we come closer and closer, we can feel it.
we see more and more of each other in every form of our lives.
we imagine each other.
but imagination cannot fulfill its task.
we look different from before.
but still, we reside in the same energy.

connected.

so beautiful.
warm.
calm.
tranquil.
reassuring.

the energy you admit complements my own.
for we are connected.
we are two apart of one.
i, your half, and you, mine.

i will sacrifice anything for you.
my love for you spans eons.
compartmentalized in some nook of my subconscious.
that ancient love.
the ancient love energy buzzing within us will someday burst open into a big bang of cosmic creation.
the cosmic restoration of our love.



i sit here and daydream of you.
i am patient.
i just want to be ready for you.
so i think. i contemplate. i ponder.
i see you in my dreams.
you are there. clear.
but the dreams end before our first exchange of words.
for your energy is much too intense.
shit, i wouldn't want to leave that dreamstate.
but there you are.
past the astral level of desire, onto imagination and visualization until we are organized into the physical energies which manifest in this reality.
that day will be beautiful.
we will have found each other.
i will see you.
i will laugh.
it will be a joyous day.
and i will think back to this moment.
this moment of such intensity. and will be grateful.

until then.
i will daydream.
my tears continue to flow.
i know you are near.
i am waiting.
please, come back soon.

i love you.

*end*

here.
here i am able to spend time with you.
you are a visualization, an imagined thought form in my mind.
but i feel you.
i am able to feel you before i am able to touch you.
to finally see you outside.
i see you.
smell you- a combination of archetypal scents i have stored in a wooden chest of my brain labeled "love" haha.
it is dusty, this wooden chest.
untouched.
i only observe it.
it matures. it is getting old haha.
but this is necessary.
it does not know death.
it is a remnant our love.
stored within my mind at birth.
from the past.
that past when we were together.
it was a past that seemed to last forever.
it was eternity.
this is only a drop in the pool of infinity...

wow, time's a-moving

so, summer's gotten a lot better and isn't moving as slowly as it was a month ago. this is good and bad. it's good because i'm closer to leaving for Ecuador, but bad in that i'm leaving my friends and family to uproot and spend a year in a land that i've known. damn. i'm not scared, but i do feel this sense of urgency...a sense of urgency compelled by the feeling that i have to take advantage of EVERY single opportunity to cherish the remainder of my time here. i've met some awesome people and the memories of this summer will last forever...somewhere out there.
of course, as one begins a new chapter in his life, he must reflect upon the preceding one. i can honestly say that my life has changed so much since my humble (lol) beginnings in Shannon, MS.
now, i can speak freely about who i am. then, i was forced silent. unable to express who i was or who i wanted to be. now, i can have thoughts that make me prideful of the fact that i am who i want to be and that it would take a lot of pressure for me to change. or conform to anything but that.
i feel, for myself, that i represent the single greatest symbol of change in my life. my personality is transient. it swats with the wind. it rumbles with the quakes of the earth. but one thing is true. nothing will ever extinguish my light. the light of being deep inside me. the energy of being which drives my creativity and fervor for knowledge more complex and fulfilled than the mundane "hoo-ha".
i really do appreciate where i am in life right now. every second of everyday, i grow more confident in the fact that, at the end of the day, i don't have to worry about who i am. because i like who i am and am thankful.
i am not the only person who deserves the credit for the person i have become. friends have helped bring infinite happiness to my life. they gave/ continue to give me acceptance for who i am. when i was once told that it was shameful to be gay. to use proper grammar. basically, to be me. they opened (and continue to open) their arms and loved me anyway. i was broken, fragmented and had not realized my potential or worth. i knew there were different levels to life that i had not yet experienced. i had envisioned the time in my life when acceptance would come. when i could finally rest without worry of someone finding me out.
oh, how wonderful it feels to be free. now, i can soar to the top. i can be THAT person i used to see walking. confident. with his head held high. ready to face the world. ready to face any discrimination. because it's all worth it. expression is beautiful.
the feelings of claustrophobia are indescribable. one is unable to breath fully when not allowed to be himself. there is a dark shadow which follows him. one which represents the struggle, the battering fight for acceptance.
but when set free and allowed to find himself, when he is allowed to cultivate and given the power to create his own future, then he is truly free. when allowed to move freely and spread his arms as wide as the poles of the earth. then, he has access to the true esoteric knowledge. the knowledge that we are all divine and possess potential beyond that which has been fully realized, at present.

for the rest of my days, i am committed to standing up for who i am.
i will not support the deprivation of the human soul.
i have no say in who someone should be and neither they in who i may be.
we are here for a purpose, a purpose of spiritual fulfillment. i hope to be fulfilled before i leave this stage in the progression of the universe.
no, i won't stand shit from anybody.

i am so grateful.


hasta la vista

sorry for any typos...i wrote this in a scurry



33 days...

Personality Types (MBTI)

Ok, so I'm still obsessed with the personality type test. It's a personality test based on four letters with each having two possible types. I'll use mine as an example. INFJ. The first letter, I, means introverted. This means that I get my energy from alone time and within blah blah blah, not from my environment. The opposite is extrovert, which is common sense. The next letter means "intuitive." This means that I primarily rely on my intuition to guide myself through life and to solve problems. You know, stuff like that. The opposite of this is "Sensing." A sensing individual is more likely to use their senses as guides through life rather than intuition. I don't know much about this one, so here's a definition.

• Mentally live in the Now, attending to present opportunities

• Using common sense and creating practical solutions is automatic-instinctual

• Memory recall is rich in detail of facts and past events

• Best improvise from past experience

• Like clear and concrete information; dislike guessing when facts are "fuzzy

Ok, now I'm getting lazy so I'll just copy/paste everything.
The third letter, F, represents feelinng.

• Instinctively employ personal feelings and impact on people in decision situations

• Naturally sensitive to people needs and reactions.

• Naturally seek consensus and popular opinions.

• Unsettled by conflict; have almost a toxic reaction to disharmony.

The opposite of that is T, thinking.

• Instinctively search for facts and logic in a decision situation.

• Naturally notices tasks and work to be accomplished.

• Easily able to provide an objective and critical analysis.

• Accept conflict as a natural, normal part of relationships with people.

The next one is J, which means Judging. People like this (me) do the following...

• Plan many of the details in advance before moving into action.

• Focus on task-related action; complete meaningful segments before moving on.

• Work best and avoid stress when able to keep ahead of deadlines.

• Naturally use targets, dates and standard routines to manage life.

The opposite of this is P, Perceiving...

• Comfortable moving into action without a plan; plan on-the-go.

• Like to multitask, have variety, mix work and play.

• Naturally tolerant of time pressure; work best close to the deadlines.

• Instinctively avoid commitments which interfere with flexibility, freedom and variety

I think this shit is pretty cool because mine describes me very well and has helped me more in defining myself and working to figure out life.

All these letters have varying intensities for each individual, so the exact meaning is rather fluid. My personality test confirmed that I am strongly an INFJ. I=44%, N=100%, F=77%, J=63%

look yours up and give input next time i see you...or on here!

http://www.flickr.com/photos/bernai-velarde/2687329348/



i don't know how to work this techno-shit. just go to the link to see the pic.